Coming Full Circle
They say time heals all wounds. I would love to find “they” and punch them in the face, but sadly, it’s true. Healing is messy, hard, and just takes time. I guess it’s up to us to figure out how to spend that time. We can get busy learning and healing, or kicking and screaming, but either way, it’s about the passage of time.
Who would have ever thought that the journey to find self love would be so painful and hard? Isn’t love something we are innately born with? If you are born into an emotionally healthy home, I guess that gives you a big head start. For those of us not so fortunate and were born into hell, it’s a much harder climb to learn to love yourself. I read somewhere when a child is not loved by their parents, they learn to hate themselves, not their parents, and I can tell you for me that was totally true.
My whole life up till age 57 I was living a life to prove to my mother that I was worthy, that I was worth loving. It took till my ex-narc of a husband; Michael hurt and broke my heart so badly, that the wound of that rejection and hate from mom came to the light of day.
Let’s face it, if I had any ounce of love for myself, I would have ran when I met my ex. He insulted me about my weight right from day one, yet I stood there and took it and tried to get him to love me. I spent seven years trying to prove my worth to him, never connecting the dots back to that mother wound. I was so blinded by the pain of that wound, so used to viewing the world around me from that place, that it all seemed normal to me.
Yet here I am, almost three and a half years post the discard from him, in a completely different place, seeing the world from a completely new vantage point. I see my own value now, and do not feel the need to “prove” my worthiness to anyone. If someone chooses not to like me, that’s OK, it just means they are not part of my soul tribe. It doesn’t mean I am not worthy.
Loving yourself doesn’t mean there won’t ever be bad days; what it means is that when those days come, they won’t derail you, they won’t shatter your fragile version of yourself. You will take the blow, but know that you are worth better days, and those better days will come. Why, because YOU ARE WORTH IT – YOU ARE AN AMAZING ONE OF A KIND MIRACLE! XOXOXOXO