Bouncing Balls and No Com Falls
As I planned, I went and purchased the big bouncing blow up ball this morning. I took it home, got it filled with air, and as I was firing up the music, my cats attacked the ball and popped it – not a big explosion, but a slow deflate from kitty claw marks. So, no bouncing was done today.
I am going to assume it was karma paying me a visit. True confession, getting over the ex-narc is taking all I have. In a very down moment, evenings are the hardest, I broke the no contact rule again and sent him an email. However, this time I was armed with the knowledge that nothing I do will bring the narcissist back (I’m trauma bonded to him), make him miss me, or even feel bad about what he did. This time I emailed him with what I hope are my parting thoughts. I kept it nice but said some pretty pointed things. I will excerpt them below:
I realize you have moved on, and I need get a clue and do so as well - sometimes I can be slow on the uptake. You know me; I can be blind to the truth with my heart.
When I saw the picture below of you and Norma Jean I almost fell out of my chair. She is only 10 years younger than my mother….I am not sure what to even think about that. I stupidly sent you a picture of what I look like now, thinking you would think, wow, I remember my thinner ex-wife. She was funny, kind and caring, and is looking good again. (Wishful thinking on my part.) Instead you said absolutely nothing.
If you ever want to know what I think about things that happened between us in our marriage, I would be happy to send you the link to my blog. If you read it, you will be able to realize the depth of my stupidity after being able to look at things in the light of day for what they were, and somehow still want you.
Here’s the thing, I don’t hate you for breaking my heart and our wedding vows, I never did. I am grieving the loss of the man I first met, the one who was willing to learn, to grow, and to heal his broken parts, unless that was all an act.
Finally, and I hope you are still reading this, you asked about being friends. To be in my circle of friends one has to meet at least the minimum standards. There has to be a “give” not just a take. Friendships can’t be one-sided. A friend has to have my back, and take a genuine interest in my life. Friendship requires shared time to cultivate and grow, and open and honest two way communication.
I hope you took this in the spirit it was written, honest and from my heart. I really do wish you all the happiness your heart can hold. I miss the man I first met; the man who started to smile, and laugh more, and showed up with his best idea of love to share with me. He went away and seems so very sad now. If you find that man, please tell him I will always love him, and keep a candle burning in the window should he need to find his way back to my heart. Till then you will have to figure things out on your own.
My reason bearing all with you tonight and sharing this very personal letter, is to let you know I understand just how hard this is. To love someone who is so bad for your heart, soul, health, and know you have to let them go, because they never loved you to begin with makes you doubt so many things that make up your reality. What was the last seven years of my life about? Was it all just a cruel joke? Apparently to him it was, but to me it was everything. I also am painfully aware this email will fall on deaf ears, as "narcs" feel no empathy for anyone, least of all the people they pretended to love.
So when your well intention friends tell you to just let them go, or why on earth would you want to be with someone who treated you so badly and just threw you away, you just tell them there is no way they could understand what this feels like, unless they have gone through it. This pain in uniquely ours, and it will take as long as it takes to process the magnitude of what has happened, and to find your way again. I will get there. This was just a really bad slip, but tomorrow is another day to try again. No communication counter, back to day one.
Yours in tears tonight,