I have spent the last few days trying to figure out what part of me was so broken that I attracted in a monster like my last ex-husband. I do say monster because he hurt me emotionally and mentally like my childhood tormentor did; and the way he so callously hurts women, I find offensive. What had I not healed that drew me to someone so toxic?
I was mulling it over today, and I realized when I daydream, I tend to have the same dream over and over again. It’s about someone (generally someone who left me in the past – which is every guy I dated or married) coming back to get me because they realize they cannot live without me. It’s not so much a rescue as it is a realization that I had value that they didn’t see before. They realized that I was special and worth loving.
As I write this I realize that “I” need to be the one to come back to get me, and for once finally realize I can’t live without me, and that I am special and worth loving; easy to say, much harder to do. I am sad tonight that I allowed my damage to get me involved with someone so heartless and unkind. He still doesn’t even realize the pain he causes people when he discards them; absolutely no empathy what so ever.
I am wanting to reach out to his Norma Jean and let her know I am here for her should she need to talk as she moves through the stages of being discarded by him. I don’t know what her support system is like, but you can’t have enough shoulders to cry on during the discard. I actually asked him if he would share her phone number with me so I could call her after he left. He said no, and I quote, “It would be inappropriate.” That is rich. The king of no empathy, no moral compass, and no feelings, thinks me talking with her would be inappropriate.
So if Spirit moves me to I will send her a heartfelt letter and extend my support. Let’s face it, this was not her fault, and much as I would love to hate her for being the “other woman” in my relationship with him, she was not. She is just another of his victims. The sad part is he is gearing up to take his next victim down, and that hurts my heart.
The sadness that I feel tonight will pass, and life will go on; my new life that I am taking time to build as I heal. I hope and pray for a healing for all women, so no one would be drawn to a monster like him.