As I was sorting though my online photos tonight, I ran across a couple of photos of the ex I apparently missed during the big emotional purge last year. It’s been 418 days since I last saw him, and 69 days since we last had any contact. When I saw his picture tonight it was like I was seeing him for the first time. My gut reaction was yuck; what did I ever see in him???
This man who I used to swoon over, this man who I used to love….I looked at him and saw the emptiness in his eyes, the emptiness that is there because he has no conscious, no realization of the fact he is totally void on the inside. He is not capable of feeling love, empathy, remorse, nothing…..a big void where a soul should be. I kind of feel sorry for him. He was not born this way; he was created by the two horrible parents he had. But for fucks sake, grow up and go get some help.
Poor parenting is no excuse for being a horrible adult. There is all kinds of help available if you want it. But I am getting off the point. What I see is tremendous growth with my healing; to be able to see him for what he really is, not what I wanted him to be. It’s such a step in the right direction for me. I can honestly say for the first time that if he were to come back in my life and want a second chance, I would say no, and have the courage and conviction of my words. Now I just have to get him out of my dreams.
I am in one of those periods again where he is haunting my dreams. Last night true to form, in my dream he was taking his sweet time to get us to the airport – so we wound up missing our flight. We had to rent a car to get to where we were heading. I was talking to him about what we could do to make things better between us, and he said as coldly as I remember his voice being, looking straight ahead as he drove ……”Don’t you get it. I never loved you. There is nothing to save. I never loved you.”
I woke up from the dream feeling very sad the @sshat still has to be hurtful to me – even in my dreams. Once I was able to shake it off, I realized maybe it’s just what my soul needed to hear to end the inner dialogue I have sometimes over what could I have done better to make him love me. In the end….nothing because it wasn’t about me…ever…..it was about his selfish needs, and taking all he could until I ran out of stuff for him to take.
So tonight I claim the victory. For the first time I can look at a picture of him and not feel pain, but see him for who he really is, not what I wanted him to be. Yeah me!!!!