I have been doing so well this holiday season; redesigning the season to fit my new life purpose and goals, more in alignment with my Spirits and their plan for me. I even caught the Christmas spirit last weekend when my adopted grandchildren came to visit, so imagine my surprise when extreme depression came upon me with such a vengeance it literally made me vomit.
It is stressful times for us all. I work in the healthcare field, so the stress is higher than normal. I have been dealing with staff shortages, supply shortages, patience shortages with patients and staff, and not sleeping well, so I guess the wheels were bound to fall off at some point.
I think the tipping point came on Wednesday of this past week. I had been playing phone tag with a healer I know who lives in Gainesville FL. I hit what I thought was his number on my phone to try to reach him, but somehow I miss dialed and called the ex; he lives in Gainesville as well – thus the same area code tripped me up. I almost fainted when I heard his voice. I honestly didn’t know I even still had his number in my phone. It was so unexpected, as I thought I was dialing a warm gentle soul. Instead I hear his bone chilling voice. It literally shocked my system. All I could get out was OMG, I am so sorry; I dialed the wrong number, and hung up. I guess I was so abrupt about it, he texted and asked if I was OK. I told him yes, I had just dialed the wrong number. We have not spoken or texted since.
I guess that was enough to open that painful door again. The one I thought I had nailed shut for life. I was sad to feel that pain of rejection all over again. While I had not reached out to him in over 268 days, I was so proud of that, he had never tried to reach out to me in all that time. Not that I would have answered, but it would be nice to know I meant something to him, that he had some feeling for me other than hate. To think I spent seven years loving this man, who never loved me one bit. I was just the nuisance that came along with his free place to stay and all the cash he needed. What a chump I was.
The other thing that really upsets me is that now he probably thinks, I am still hanging on to the hope of him; that somehow he still “has me.” I HATE that. I hate that I also kind of have to start my no contact counter all over again. I was so excited to be close to a year of no contact. Part of me wants to not count that call, but the critical part of me says you have to count it you broke no contact, even if it was not on purpose.
I was at work yesterday with all of this sadness and pain swirling around my head and heart that I actually became physically nauseous and had to head home. Depression and heartache are the twins I had hoped not to see this holiday season, but I guess at some point, it was inevitable.
All I want for Christmas now is for this to all go away.