Always be you…..we have all heard that expression. So I asked myself today, just who am I? I can list off a bunch of labels pretty easily. I am: middle aged, divorced, Practice Manager, wanna be writer, friend, adult survivor of child abuse, crazy cat lady, coffee junkie, etc…..but those are all just labels.
If I am going to find my happy, I am going to have to figure out who I really am, not just what my labels are. As I sit here writing this, I have to honestly say I don’t know who I am without those labels. I guess in the purest of forms, I am a soul contained in a human body, experiencing what it is like to live on this planet and interact with other souls in human bodies……. like actors on a stage.
Knowing that, for me, it adds another layer to the human condition in a very good way. There is a buffer so to speak - because the world out there cannot penetrate my human body and reach my soul. It’s like my own protective candy coating….. Just like an M&M! Obviously, others can mortally wound my body, but they cannot mortally wound my soul.
So why am I being all esoteric tonight? I got very angry at the Ex the other night. I haven’t spoken with him in 45 days, but he came into my mind, and I began sparing with my thought s of him. When I get in the boxing ring with my own thoughts, my fighting go to music is Daughtry. He has a great line in one of his songs that says “you’re not a person; you’re a disease.” Great line when I think of the Ex, but all it does is keep me stuck in the anger over what he did, and robs me of being happy. When I stay in the ring, I am not showing any kindness or love towards myself, and after all, isn’t that what this blog is all about.
So how do I get out of the ring I’ve been in for two days now festering and fighting? I get out when I realize I am a soul, a beautiful soul of light being housed in this body, and what he did to me, what my childhood abusers did to me - they did to my human body. They didn’t do it to my soul, because they cannot touch that. Only I can.
So I will try to remember to always be me; the me who is a soul living in this human body, having a very human experience for awhile. The day will come when I get to be released from this well worn, weathered, broken body and return to soul form. In that moment I will know this was all just a play, and my soul will be free to shine again.
That makes me happy.